These past few months I have been hit with some hard life circumstances. It's shown me even more so how we should take every day as a gift. Yes - it's corny and so many people say things like that trying to be all goody two shoes themselves, but I genuinely have seen how life can be here one day and then gone the next.
A friend of mine from Texas that use to run around in the same circle of friends as me died in a car accident Saturday night. Just last weekend he was in a wedding of a mutual friend of ours and now he's no longer here. Isn't that baffling? I can't seem to fully wrap my head around the concept that we truly could be walking down the stairs and next thing you know you're gone. Makes you think twice about the things you gripe and moan about. What if we were to wake every morning and know that at 5pm we would be dead? How different would we act that day? I know for I would have enjoyed my Greek yogurt just now a little bit more and made that phone call to a friend that I've been putting off. Yet most of us get second, third and millions of other chances to restart every day. My friend, Kevin, who passed away doesn't ever get to press that restart button again.
Life is short and it's so bittersweet. Am I taking advantage of every single second of the day? Am I truly living? It's something to think about when the next move you make could be your very last and the the next person you say anything to could be the last person you see. Take it all in and appreciate. It's life.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
words
So I've a new Tuesday ritual these days. As I have become a regular "soccer mom" as a nanny for three of my favorite girls, Tuesdays is gymnastics day. I spend a solid hour or so sitting there in a stinky gym watching multiple girls flip and flop and turn and twist, etc. Reminds me of the days I attempted to be a gymnast. That was before I had put it all together that my limbs were far too long to be agile and graceful like a gymnast and I was meant to awkward and gangly.
So as I sit there I usually create this interested yet not checked in glaze over (all while I attempt to cram studying in too). All the overbearing parents are pacing in the balcony trying to find their child on the gym floor or trying to control their other child as they run back and forth driving everyone else insane. It can become quite comical on some days to just watch it all go down and produce my own story for every persons lives in my head (usually makes me feel better about the mundane day to day I live).
Yet this past Tuesday as I was being ultimate second mom holding the girls shoes as the finished class, I saw a group of three girls sitting on a wall waiting for their class which was next. What caught my attention was the little tude (attitude) that one girl spoke with. She was telling the other two what some girl had said about one of them a few days ago. She swore that she stood up for them because she "lovesssssssss" her and would never do that (all said in that little girl attitude that you are never wrong... ever). "She probably just doesn't know you that well," said the original extreme tude girl. Immediately my heart sank because right then and there I snapped back to when so many people talked behind my back in elementary and middle school. It is what it is and I don't want any apologies or anyone to feel sorry for me because I'm still alive and kickin today. However it is those smart-alic girls like the one I witnessed in that stinky gym that cause so much harm. She didn't need to spread what the other girl had said behind her "supposed" friends back. It wasn't nice so why repeat it.
I'm not going to stand up on my soap box about the cruelty girls go through at that age because I'm not sure if it will ever change. I do know that my heart was forever hurt and changed as a result of some girls that were just like stinky gym girl on Tuesday. Words may be just letters together and then put into sentences but they are so powerful and so deceptive. Makes me think back to what I said to those girls when they were mean to me years ago. I'm not exactly sure what I did say, but I do know the tears that I came home with every day and the pain that sat with me for days. They're only words and yet they are so much more.
So as I sit there I usually create this interested yet not checked in glaze over (all while I attempt to cram studying in too). All the overbearing parents are pacing in the balcony trying to find their child on the gym floor or trying to control their other child as they run back and forth driving everyone else insane. It can become quite comical on some days to just watch it all go down and produce my own story for every persons lives in my head (usually makes me feel better about the mundane day to day I live).
Yet this past Tuesday as I was being ultimate second mom holding the girls shoes as the finished class, I saw a group of three girls sitting on a wall waiting for their class which was next. What caught my attention was the little tude (attitude) that one girl spoke with. She was telling the other two what some girl had said about one of them a few days ago. She swore that she stood up for them because she "lovesssssssss" her and would never do that (all said in that little girl attitude that you are never wrong... ever). "She probably just doesn't know you that well," said the original extreme tude girl. Immediately my heart sank because right then and there I snapped back to when so many people talked behind my back in elementary and middle school. It is what it is and I don't want any apologies or anyone to feel sorry for me because I'm still alive and kickin today. However it is those smart-alic girls like the one I witnessed in that stinky gym that cause so much harm. She didn't need to spread what the other girl had said behind her "supposed" friends back. It wasn't nice so why repeat it.
I'm not going to stand up on my soap box about the cruelty girls go through at that age because I'm not sure if it will ever change. I do know that my heart was forever hurt and changed as a result of some girls that were just like stinky gym girl on Tuesday. Words may be just letters together and then put into sentences but they are so powerful and so deceptive. Makes me think back to what I said to those girls when they were mean to me years ago. I'm not exactly sure what I did say, but I do know the tears that I came home with every day and the pain that sat with me for days. They're only words and yet they are so much more.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
five letters
It's a funny thing to let people into your life and begin that vulnerability that let's them see just who you really are. I'd like to say I am a "what you see is what you get" kind of person. In the past few days I've realized that there are so many people that are far from that. They live in lies and continue to cover each one with another lie until they wake up one morning and realize that they are the farthest thing from genuine.
It usually takes me some time before I can fully let someone in - and by some time I mean a long while. Like so many I have baggage of my past that prevents me from letting go and letting people see the unique intricacies of my heart. Yet is that stopping me from letting anyone in at all? My past is what it is. It does not define me, but I acknowledge it is part of who I am. But it still is controlling some part of me clearly. It takes so much for me to be vulnerable; even if I have known them for years on end. Would I rather be living a life a lie and just continuing to make things up as I go along in order to make myself feel "normal" or is being closed off and down turned a better way? Is there any moderation? I don't know what it really looks like to just accept that people sincerely care of who I am and want to know me. What's that about? They are people too and have feelings and trials as do I. Why do I hesitate so much?
TRUST really is an interesting five letter word. It holds so much influence with just five letters. I even wear a bracelet daily that spells it out to me. However I continue to hold back. I fear being lied to and fear of just what it would look like to let someone see those small things that make me me. What is trust without fully doing it? Nothing. So basically I'm only lying to myself to wear that every day, yet never act it out. Where does trust have you right now? Are you ok with being vulnerable? It's hard and it can hurt.
It usually takes me some time before I can fully let someone in - and by some time I mean a long while. Like so many I have baggage of my past that prevents me from letting go and letting people see the unique intricacies of my heart. Yet is that stopping me from letting anyone in at all? My past is what it is. It does not define me, but I acknowledge it is part of who I am. But it still is controlling some part of me clearly. It takes so much for me to be vulnerable; even if I have known them for years on end. Would I rather be living a life a lie and just continuing to make things up as I go along in order to make myself feel "normal" or is being closed off and down turned a better way? Is there any moderation? I don't know what it really looks like to just accept that people sincerely care of who I am and want to know me. What's that about? They are people too and have feelings and trials as do I. Why do I hesitate so much?
TRUST really is an interesting five letter word. It holds so much influence with just five letters. I even wear a bracelet daily that spells it out to me. However I continue to hold back. I fear being lied to and fear of just what it would look like to let someone see those small things that make me me. What is trust without fully doing it? Nothing. So basically I'm only lying to myself to wear that every day, yet never act it out. Where does trust have you right now? Are you ok with being vulnerable? It's hard and it can hurt.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
smile
I've neglected my favorite hiding place (this blog) for far too long now. I can hardly find time for myself lately, which has presented no time to sit down and pour me out onto the page.
When I look around me all day there are so many different people. Yes - I do live in a big city these days so clearly I am going to see a various amount of of differents from a day to day basis. But what really gets me is how do we all stumble upon one another and become so significant to certain people and then just another to someone else. How many people am I just another to? Probably millions with the way our population is constantly increasing. Yet I remember that corny quote of "never stop smiling because you never know who's day you're making." Maybe that smile could turn into making just of of those others you see all the time a significant.
I find myself smiling at basically everyone just because, but what if we all did that regardless of stranger or friend. Everyone needs someone no matter how young or old. Guess my point is that people are going to be people and people need people. Do you have your person that gets you and you don't have to smile all the time? Smile anyway but you need your person or your people.
When I look around me all day there are so many different people. Yes - I do live in a big city these days so clearly I am going to see a various amount of of differents from a day to day basis. But what really gets me is how do we all stumble upon one another and become so significant to certain people and then just another to someone else. How many people am I just another to? Probably millions with the way our population is constantly increasing. Yet I remember that corny quote of "never stop smiling because you never know who's day you're making." Maybe that smile could turn into making just of of those others you see all the time a significant.
I find myself smiling at basically everyone just because, but what if we all did that regardless of stranger or friend. Everyone needs someone no matter how young or old. Guess my point is that people are going to be people and people need people. Do you have your person that gets you and you don't have to smile all the time? Smile anyway but you need your person or your people.
Friday, August 27, 2010
gone
This past week I have felt the gut wrenching pain of losing my hero in life. While it has been hard to see the small joys in daily life, I've been surrounded in so much love that it almost baffles me. The constant text messages, emails, prayers, flowers, letters and so on have been so encouraging.
I guess it does take a tragedy like this for people to step outside of their comfort zones and express their gratitude for you and your family in their life. Although that's not what my grandfather taught me all these 23 years and that's not how I seem to live my life day to day. So maybe I'm odd and completely set apart (well yes we already knew that), but I try my best to tell those that mean so much to me just how appreciated they are. I am so blessed to have the friends and family that I do. Even if it was a random ex or odd friend here and there, the love that I received for my loss has been so genuine.
The one message that stood out the most to me was an old boyfriend who simply wanted to let me know that my family and I were in his thoughts. He said he was worried because he knew that my grandfather meant the world to me. Even though we did date for about 7ish months, it touched me that after a year or 2 apart he still remembered and had it in his heart that this incredible man was something indescribable in my life. The little things like that have kept my hope up in the past few days. I'm so grateful for them and for the people who stepped out of their comfort zones to let me know I'm in their thoughts and prayers.
My grandfather was a special man and these past few days have been far from special, but the abounding adoration my family and I have felt from everyone who knew my grandfather has been truly great.
I miss him. I miss him more than words can express but I've my own personal guardian angel telling me I'm his monkey.
I guess it does take a tragedy like this for people to step outside of their comfort zones and express their gratitude for you and your family in their life. Although that's not what my grandfather taught me all these 23 years and that's not how I seem to live my life day to day. So maybe I'm odd and completely set apart (well yes we already knew that), but I try my best to tell those that mean so much to me just how appreciated they are. I am so blessed to have the friends and family that I do. Even if it was a random ex or odd friend here and there, the love that I received for my loss has been so genuine.
The one message that stood out the most to me was an old boyfriend who simply wanted to let me know that my family and I were in his thoughts. He said he was worried because he knew that my grandfather meant the world to me. Even though we did date for about 7ish months, it touched me that after a year or 2 apart he still remembered and had it in his heart that this incredible man was something indescribable in my life. The little things like that have kept my hope up in the past few days. I'm so grateful for them and for the people who stepped out of their comfort zones to let me know I'm in their thoughts and prayers.
My grandfather was a special man and these past few days have been far from special, but the abounding adoration my family and I have felt from everyone who knew my grandfather has been truly great.
I miss him. I miss him more than words can express but I've my own personal guardian angel telling me I'm his monkey.
Monday, August 23, 2010
my John Wayne
Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn's rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush,
Of quiet birds circled flight
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry. I am not there. I did not die.
Robert Hepburn
He had an exuberant personality and a genuine character that made anyone want to be his friend. I will forever hear him saying to me "I'm his monkey" and how much he wanted me to be his daughter. He truly was a diamond among the rough and I was so blessed to be able to call him my grandfather. I love you grandpa.
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn's rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush,
Of quiet birds circled flight
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry. I am not there. I did not die.
Robert Hepburn
He had an exuberant personality and a genuine character that made anyone want to be his friend. I will forever hear him saying to me "I'm his monkey" and how much he wanted me to be his daughter. He truly was a diamond among the rough and I was so blessed to be able to call him my grandfather. I love you grandpa.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
the old days
I cursed the Academy (Battle Ground Academy that is) multiple times in my many years I attended. There were so many points when I wanted to be out of the small private school sector and go to a normal public school. Yet now a good eight years later I realized how much worth it all had been.
It has been weird for me to be back in my hometown as an adult now and living a completely different life than a little middle schooler I once was. With all this old territory comes all the old friends who know you so well whether you like it or not. At our house warming party last night a majority of the friends that came were good ole Academy people. It's crazy that even after a move in the middle of high school to middle of nowhere Texas and four years of college we're all just the same ole people.
At one point last night I looked up and saw a flashback to where we all were in the sixth grade. Our awkward little adolescent bodies and innovative heads were just at the beginning of where life would take us. It brought the biggest smile to my face to know that a small private school in Franklin, Tennessee brought me some of the greatest people into my life. Most people say when they see someone they went to high school with that they usually just try to avoid them and not make eye contact, but we're not like that in the least. Last night we all were standing in a circle just cracking up about all our years together and how stupid we all had been like it was yesterday. We know intricate details about one another that we proud and not so proud of, but that's the great thing about it. We just love and accept it for what it is.
Yes it may seem like were this little click and seclusive to those on the outside, but there was something about the Academy that just did that to us. It bonded us into the people we are today, but it made us value so much more than just a good education. I can remember when I had the biggest crushes on some of the guys that were at our party last night, but as I stood there just laughing back and forth with them I couldn't help but smile that they really are the same people even after a 12 year maturity spell.
Having good people surrounding you like that for so long with daily interaction or not is something so genuine and special. I hated the Academy then, but I love what it has given me now. I've a best friend (yes with the exact same name) and so many more just from that one school. It's a beautiful thing... as corny as that sounds. It really is beautiful how you're placed in those positions of your life.
It has been weird for me to be back in my hometown as an adult now and living a completely different life than a little middle schooler I once was. With all this old territory comes all the old friends who know you so well whether you like it or not. At our house warming party last night a majority of the friends that came were good ole Academy people. It's crazy that even after a move in the middle of high school to middle of nowhere Texas and four years of college we're all just the same ole people.
At one point last night I looked up and saw a flashback to where we all were in the sixth grade. Our awkward little adolescent bodies and innovative heads were just at the beginning of where life would take us. It brought the biggest smile to my face to know that a small private school in Franklin, Tennessee brought me some of the greatest people into my life. Most people say when they see someone they went to high school with that they usually just try to avoid them and not make eye contact, but we're not like that in the least. Last night we all were standing in a circle just cracking up about all our years together and how stupid we all had been like it was yesterday. We know intricate details about one another that we proud and not so proud of, but that's the great thing about it. We just love and accept it for what it is.
Yes it may seem like were this little click and seclusive to those on the outside, but there was something about the Academy that just did that to us. It bonded us into the people we are today, but it made us value so much more than just a good education. I can remember when I had the biggest crushes on some of the guys that were at our party last night, but as I stood there just laughing back and forth with them I couldn't help but smile that they really are the same people even after a 12 year maturity spell.
Having good people surrounding you like that for so long with daily interaction or not is something so genuine and special. I hated the Academy then, but I love what it has given me now. I've a best friend (yes with the exact same name) and so many more just from that one school. It's a beautiful thing... as corny as that sounds. It really is beautiful how you're placed in those positions of your life.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
ironic
Friday the 13th to many is eerie and presents a looming bad luck, but to me a Friday the 13th just brings sweet memories of a man I miss so dearly. It just so happened that this past Friday, August 13, 2010 did just that and so much more.
Not only was I celebrating my late uncle’s birthday and realizing how great of a life he did live regardless of the pain and suffering a stupid disease caused him, I also turned the page to a new chapter of life. I moved in with my oldest and dearest friend, Jamie (ironic we have the same name… I know) and Lauren, a new and already cherished friend. Through chaos and heat we all got our stuff in that apartment and have a fresh start.
It was weird to entertain my happiness because I at last had my own space in Nashville, while mourning not having my uncle’s physical presence to celebrate the day he made his entrance into the world. I was making a huge step to where I want to be in life while he doesn’t even get to relish his own earthly life. It was conflicting to say the least and made me miss him that much more.
Everyone seems to be close to their families these days and they can’t live without them. What if you truly didn’t have any of those significant people that are so influential on the person who are? What if the one person you want to sit down with and just recap your daily events isn’t around whatsoever? It’s been a year and a month or two since the man that I looked up to so much left me. Even though we knew that his battle was nearing an end, I still hadn’t soaked up the fact that I would never be able to wrap my arms around him any more or share are sarcasm and wit together. All I physically have now is a necklace holding some of his ashes and not his hugs of laughter. He was a jack of all trades and remarkably genuine inspiration to take on anything and everything I wanted no matter what everyone else said.
He is someone I will never forget. He is one of those people regardless of being family are not, he made his mark on my heart that will last forever more. I miss you Uncle Buddy but know my heart lives every day to be a woman just like you... fearless in love.
Not only was I celebrating my late uncle’s birthday and realizing how great of a life he did live regardless of the pain and suffering a stupid disease caused him, I also turned the page to a new chapter of life. I moved in with my oldest and dearest friend, Jamie (ironic we have the same name… I know) and Lauren, a new and already cherished friend. Through chaos and heat we all got our stuff in that apartment and have a fresh start.
It was weird to entertain my happiness because I at last had my own space in Nashville, while mourning not having my uncle’s physical presence to celebrate the day he made his entrance into the world. I was making a huge step to where I want to be in life while he doesn’t even get to relish his own earthly life. It was conflicting to say the least and made me miss him that much more.
Everyone seems to be close to their families these days and they can’t live without them. What if you truly didn’t have any of those significant people that are so influential on the person who are? What if the one person you want to sit down with and just recap your daily events isn’t around whatsoever? It’s been a year and a month or two since the man that I looked up to so much left me. Even though we knew that his battle was nearing an end, I still hadn’t soaked up the fact that I would never be able to wrap my arms around him any more or share are sarcasm and wit together. All I physically have now is a necklace holding some of his ashes and not his hugs of laughter. He was a jack of all trades and remarkably genuine inspiration to take on anything and everything I wanted no matter what everyone else said.
He is someone I will never forget. He is one of those people regardless of being family are not, he made his mark on my heart that will last forever more. I miss you Uncle Buddy but know my heart lives every day to be a woman just like you... fearless in love.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
be your Dr.?
I took Dixie, my grandparents beloved golden, to the vet today. She had some crazy goo coming from her her baby doll eyes. I love to go to the vet because that was my childhood dream of "what I wanted to be when I grew up." So it's like taking a step back into my pee wee days.
But besides a ride down memory lane, the trip to the see Dr. Ladd illuminated on something so much more. Any pet in our family has gone to Dr. Ladd for the past 20+ years. He has become more than just the occasional visit and friendly face. I'm not really sure I can even put words to the meaning he holds to all of us in our family, but it's significant to say the least. Yes he cares for our best friends, the pups, but he also has a heart for every person in our family. I spent the first 15 minutes in the waiting room with Dixie discussing how my grandfather was and if there was anything he could do to help. This man is a remarkable veterinarian, but also a stand up and incredible man He takes all of his work to heart. I say with no doubt that we are not his only clients he treats this way. Granted we have been seeing him for the past 20 some years, yet he hasn't changed a bit since day one.
There is something to be said about the character of a man inside and outside of his work. Dr. Ladd is the same no matter where he is. I left the vet saying to myself how wonderful he is and you know he truly cares. I only hope that I can exude that genuine compassion for my work and my patients when I'm working with them. I want to be able to connect with everyone and anyone I come in touch with in a sincere and real way that shows them I'm more than just a professional face on the other side. Who knows what that could mean to someone on that particular day. Dr. Ladd renewed it in me that it's possible to be successful in your profession and still wear your heart on your sleeve for those around you without losing the greater aspect.
But besides a ride down memory lane, the trip to the see Dr. Ladd illuminated on something so much more. Any pet in our family has gone to Dr. Ladd for the past 20+ years. He has become more than just the occasional visit and friendly face. I'm not really sure I can even put words to the meaning he holds to all of us in our family, but it's significant to say the least. Yes he cares for our best friends, the pups, but he also has a heart for every person in our family. I spent the first 15 minutes in the waiting room with Dixie discussing how my grandfather was and if there was anything he could do to help. This man is a remarkable veterinarian, but also a stand up and incredible man He takes all of his work to heart. I say with no doubt that we are not his only clients he treats this way. Granted we have been seeing him for the past 20 some years, yet he hasn't changed a bit since day one.
There is something to be said about the character of a man inside and outside of his work. Dr. Ladd is the same no matter where he is. I left the vet saying to myself how wonderful he is and you know he truly cares. I only hope that I can exude that genuine compassion for my work and my patients when I'm working with them. I want to be able to connect with everyone and anyone I come in touch with in a sincere and real way that shows them I'm more than just a professional face on the other side. Who knows what that could mean to someone on that particular day. Dr. Ladd renewed it in me that it's possible to be successful in your profession and still wear your heart on your sleeve for those around you without losing the greater aspect.
Monday, August 9, 2010
just think
Yesterday at church the message was somewhat intense and disturbing, but it was the kind that you need to hear to refresh yourself. Reminds you of where you truly are. What stuck out the most to me through the entire thing was the reassurance that you can have it all right, but without the relationships in your life you have it all wrong.
Think about it. Money is paper that buys things that usually don't even speak or touch back unless it's a TV, etc. Why have all those things if you don't have anyone to enjoy it with or to just simply discuss it with? To me it seems pointless. Relationships are the beating thrive through all of us, yet a lot of people shut down and don't let them in. Don't get me wrong I'm a second guesser with trust and so on with any sort of relationships because vulnerability is scary, but living in a constrained box like that is straight up boring and just stagnant. Where does the enjoyment of just existing come from when you have no one around you?
This may all sound corny and I'm just a push over, but people really are life. You can know all the formulas and facts to make you a billionaire but that's lame when you're sitting alone knowing those things day after day. Where's the realness in that. So I'll say it again... people are people. Let it be and have the relationships that stretch your boundaries. You're not living if you don't.
Think about it. Money is paper that buys things that usually don't even speak or touch back unless it's a TV, etc. Why have all those things if you don't have anyone to enjoy it with or to just simply discuss it with? To me it seems pointless. Relationships are the beating thrive through all of us, yet a lot of people shut down and don't let them in. Don't get me wrong I'm a second guesser with trust and so on with any sort of relationships because vulnerability is scary, but living in a constrained box like that is straight up boring and just stagnant. Where does the enjoyment of just existing come from when you have no one around you?
This may all sound corny and I'm just a push over, but people really are life. You can know all the formulas and facts to make you a billionaire but that's lame when you're sitting alone knowing those things day after day. Where's the realness in that. So I'll say it again... people are people. Let it be and have the relationships that stretch your boundaries. You're not living if you don't.
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