five letters

It's a funny thing to let people into your life and begin that vulnerability that let's them see just who you really are. I'd like to say I am a "what you see is what you get" kind of person. In the past few days I've realized that there are so many people that are far from that. They live in lies and continue to cover each one with another lie until they wake up one morning and realize that they are the farthest thing from genuine.

It usually takes me some time before I can fully let someone in - and by some time I mean a long while. Like so many I have baggage of my past that prevents me from letting go and letting people see the unique intricacies of my heart. Yet is that stopping me from letting anyone in at all? My past is what it is. It does not define me, but I acknowledge it is part of who I am. But it still is controlling some part of me clearly. It takes so much for me to be vulnerable; even if I have known them for years on end. Would I rather be living a life a lie and just continuing to make things up as I go along in order to make myself feel "normal" or is being closed off and down turned a better way? Is there any moderation? I don't know what it really looks like to just accept that people sincerely care of who I am and want to know me. What's that about? They are people too and have feelings and trials as do I. Why do I hesitate so much?

TRUST really is an interesting five letter word. It holds so much influence with just five letters. I even wear a bracelet daily that spells it out to me. However I continue to hold back. I fear being lied to and fear of just what it would look like to let someone see those small things that make me me. What is trust without fully doing it? Nothing. So basically I'm only lying to myself to wear that every day, yet never act it out. Where does trust have you right now? Are you ok with being vulnerable? It's hard and it can hurt.